Cause I do Believe in Love…

„Cause I do believe in Love

Though I should never rely on love…”

Katie Melua is probably my all-time favorite artist. Her songs seem to have a strange spell over me and always find a special place in my heart, partly because in most cases they describe chunks of life that are strangely resemblant of my own.

Although it is utterly impossible to come up with a hierarchy of my favorite songs from her albums, since I treasure them all so much, there are moments when I listen to her music on my iPod and feel like I am solving a jigsaw puzzle made of little pieces of my life. That if I were to listen to all her songs, one after the other, for an hour or two, I would simply get the musical road-map of my life so far, of my loves and heartaches, joys and sorrows.

„There are nine million bicycles in Beijing./ That’s a fact/ it’s a thing we can’t deny/ like the fact that I will love you ‘till I die”. Indeed…when you are in love, everything becomes strangely radical. Everything turns into a question of life and death and our „grey zone” simply remains void, cause everything tends to be either completely black or completely white. We are rarely as extreme as when we fall in love and we are so blinded by it that we don’t care if it’s good or bad, possible or impossible, we just want to feel our heart explode with joy and share it with the world. Especially when „This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been, feeling 22, acting 17/ This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known/ I was never crazy on my own./But now I know, there is a link between the two./Being close to craziness and being close to you”.

Nevertheless, the saddest thing is when you draw the line, in the aftermath of a love that is no longer part of your life and you realize that nothing is actually as radical as you once thought. That there are things that you must let go of and that „then our lips will part/in my mind and in my heart/cause your kiss/went deeper than my skin./Piece by piece is how I let go of you, kiss by kiss, will leave my mind, one at a time, one at a time”. Letting go is a painful process, it takes time, patience, and the strong will of doing away with that inner desolation that keeps you breaths cumbersome and your smiles distant. Until you realize that in everything there is always a point of no return. Because, indeed :„First of all must fly, my dreams of you and I/ There’s no point in holding on to those/ And then our ties will break/ For your and my own sake/Just remember/ This is what you chose”.

In the end, nonetheless, what stays with you is the sum of the good and the bad things you shared with that now-absent person and it becomes irrelevant who was the one who wrote the ending scene. Or why. „Missing the train every morning at 8:42/Sipping coffee from the same cup as you/ The sharing of secrets we thought no one else knew/That’s what I…miss about you”. There is always some smile, some blink of the eye,the tone of his voice telling you a simple joke, the way he held your hand, his favorite tv-show. That’s something that stays with you and haunts you for some time even after everything is said and done.

However, time has the tendency of bringing us to terms with the past, of making the warmth of his hand fade away and of turning the bitterness of his slamming door into the one memory that is ever present in our minds. Time also makes us realize that nothing was as perfect as we once pictured it to be, that what we lived with that person had no intrinsic greatness of its own but rather it was the greatness that we had consciously chosen to remember it by. „The way you said I’d be no one on my own/ Your habit of soaking yourself in overpriced cologne/ The way you turned the lights off when I knew you were home/ That’s what I…don’t miss about you”.

In the end, what else are those cumbersomely sad love affairs that we all carry with us than simply different chapters of the same lesson? One step at a time, one kiss at a time, one tear at a time, we climb the ladder of life and as we become sadder, more cynical or more cautious, we also become wiser and more mature. „The tables are empty, the dance floor’s deserted/You play the same love song, it’s the tenth time you’ve heard it/That’s the beginning – just one of the clues/You’ve had your first lesson – in learnin’ the blues”.

And then your wounds heal, you try to take a chance again, to have that inner courage of believing that this time everything will be right, that despite what may come between you too, it will always be”us” before „me” & „you”. But is it always like this? „Why are you so far away? he said/Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you/That I’m in love with you…?”.

And yes…why don’t we know ? Or…when do we know? Is there a precise moment for falling in love and one for falling out of it? All I know is what everybody is looking for. Love? Maybe. Maybe that sense of belonging and of affection that you share with someone special. Or maybe just putting an end to kindergarten games…and finally getting exactly what it says…on the tin.

„How can I say it?/ Where do I begin?/ Everything you are is just what it says on the tin… Words that were honest, spoken from the heart/ Everything you did was just…what you said from the start…”

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  1. Postat mai 14, 2008 la 4:18 am | Permalink

    Thank you.

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