Arhiva lunara: aprilie 2008

Pretend that You Love Me

Growing up, there was a song that I really liked, called „Lovefool” and sang by The Cardigans. It was a nice and catchy tune and I enjoyed singing it around the house. However, looking back now, I realize that I was actually singing the tune that most women in this world carry inside them every day and the one that even I have found myself singing at certain points in my life. „Pretend that you love me”, „Fool me, go on and fool me”? What’s with all that? Do we really need somebody to sweet-talk us at any cost? Do we really feel so unloved sometimes or do we aspire so much to the love of a certain person that we actually need him to sugarcoat the truth so that we can handle it?

Why do women want and expect to be lied to? And no, I’m not being harsh here, it is actually the truth. There are moments in the life of every woman when she explicitly wants to be lied to. Moments in which we feel vulnerable, unattractive, neglected or whatever else and, even if that resides mostly in our mind rather than in the clear-cut reality, we need our fears to be defeated by our „significant other’s” words.

„Honey, do I look fat in this dress”? Let’s face it. You wouldn’t be asking that if you didn’t have at least a small hunch that you’ve been going a bit off your chocolate and cookies quota for the month and definitely not unless you had experienced the slight tightness of your once flattering-loose jeans. So….why do you ask a man if you look fat? You know that he wouldn’t make the difference between you plus one kilogram and you minus one kilogram. Well…the truth is…in that very instant you simply want to hear the liberating words „No sweetheart, you haven’t gained one single gram”. You know it’s not true and probably…he just made an educated guess on what the best answer for his peace of mind would be. However, why do we feel so insecure sometimes?

Men have no problem going around with extra-kilos on, with unflattering t-shirts with stupid logos splashed all over their chest nor with uncombed hair, yet feeling just as confident as if they were wearing the most expensive Armani tux. Have you ever heard a man ask you „Sweetie, do you think my bottom looks too big in these trousers?”. Please! If a boyfriend of mine were to ever ask me a question like that, let’s say he would instantly become my ex-boyfriend. Why? Because we simply don’t expect to hear something like that from a man’s mouth and we consider it a tacky thing when we accidentally do.

However, we need reassuring all the time. „Do you still love me?”. „Why are you so quiet? Are you tired of me?”. „Do you think that girl across the room looks hotter than me?”. OK, let’s say that some women really have the tendency of exaggerating. I know the case of a couple that split up because he made the unfortunate and in his mind totally love-declarative remark that „I truly see you as the future mother of my children”. The outcome? She slapped him and left crying, slamming the door behind her and yelling „I never want to see you again. You want to see me spending my life in the kitchen, cooking and washing dishes!”. Sad but absolutely true story. And no…not even in his worst dreams had the poor man implied such thing. He simply wanted to make a romantic and loving comment about the future that he was envisaging with her, or at least that he had envisaged up until the moment in which she put on that scary tantrum. To his misery, nonetheless, she read into it exactly what she wanted to read into it, that is – what her fears, complexes and insecurities had dictated her.

What would happen if we would wholeheartedly take the risk of being our true selves? Of simply not wanting everything to be perfect, of allowing ourselves the luxury of acting childishly carefree, of „irresponsibly”ditching our make-up for at least one day and of simply taking for granted that we DO deserve to be loved and that we don’t need lies, nor sweet-talking, because we can handle whatever comes along?

Women are extraordinarily strong, sometimes stronger than most of them think they actually are. Whether it is to protect their family or merely for defending an idea they believe in, women can become true fighters. Just like Eleanor Roosevelt once coined it „Women are like tea-bags. You never know how strong one is until you throw it into the boiling water”. Nonetheless, most of us are afraid of not being beautiful enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough…or…fill in the gaps with any other adjective enough. If we were turned into these skeptical human beings by past experiences, sad love affairs, personal failures or whatever else, that is beside the point. We often times use these white-lies as our protection-mechanism to defend us against what we don’t know if we could actually handle.

Next time you will feel the need to ask your boyfriend, husband or whoever else a question such as „Do you think I am beautiful?” or „Do you honestly think I gained weight”?, just take a deep breath, wait 30 seconds and do some quick soul searching before uttering the actual words. If you are smart, and we both know you are, you will realize that you don’t need him to give you his awkward, „God-I-hope-I’m-saying-the-right-thing” kind of answer. You know that you’re beautiful and if you think you’ve gained weight, well sweetie, you probably see what you can do about it. Because yes, it’s all up to you. Every time, with everything. Always. No exceptions. So why in the world would you need pretends when you can have the real thing?

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