The Freedom of Indifference

It’s amazing how obstinate we people are when we want something really bad. Be it a Chanel dress, a blond blue-eyed boyfriend or a job for Vogue…we always want everything here and now. The tense of our desires is always the present and we get frustrated by the firmness with which life chooses to postpone the objects of our desire into the future. We can never be patient when it comes to wanting something and perhaps this is the main source of our unhappiness.

Don’t we all wish certain things feeding ourselves with the illusion that their possession will bring us bliss? That they will make us complete? We always feel more confident when we’re dressed up in something we like, we’re always more hopeful when we go out with someone whom we really like because we feel he/she has the potential of being a long-term thing that will bring stability into our lives, we’re always more impatient when we’re waiting for a certain day, a certain event, a certain meeting.

We are always in a quest for something, a quest for the ideal outfit, the ideal job, the ideal relationship. And we are postponing happiness to the moment when all those objective conditions will have been met.

Let me tell you now that the moment you’re looking for does not exist. There is no instance of epiphany when you feel the pieces of the puzzle coming into place, nor the light bulb turning on above your head and sending you chills that are to be interpreted as „The time has come”. There is no announcement, no voice-over nor grave tune like in the movies, letting us now that we are about to experience a watershed moment. And, most of the times, happiness is just what we choose to do with our boring and often disappointingly alike days.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been waiting for something to complete me. I always thought I would be happier once I had someone to share theatrical plays, opera and walks under the moonlight with, once I obtained the MA that I was struggling for, once I got my dream job, once I got my dream car…once I got that red dress… There was always a conditionality for my happiness.

Before I left home, I always thought the act of leaving will render me happier than ever. And it did. It made me fuller of hope, wiser, more down-to-earth, stronger, keener to make my dreams come true, more realistic….and the list can go on. It has changed me in ways I never knew I could be changed. And after taking me 180 degrees from where I had stood one year ago, it has also cast upon me the blessing of indifference and has taught me that happiness is sometimes the quietest of all feelings.

I am no longer waiting for anyone or anything to complete me. And it is ironic, since I have more dreams than ever, however I don’t feel them pressuring me into anything nor do I feel impatient. I’ve learned that happiness is here and now and that the future is, at best, something to look forward to with a joyful heart.

One year ago, I would have contemplated a summer alone (to read: boyfriendless) as a summer of boredom with infinite prospects of sighing at the sight of happy hold-handing couples. Now, I am looking forward to my summer of sun, hanging-out with my friends, playing tennis, running in the park, walking my dog, reading books on a chaise-longue in my garden at the country-side, taking Sunday brunch with my family, reading interior-design magazines and decorating my house. Because it will be a one-of-a-kind summer and it is here and now that I feel the urge of doing all these things as something so completely and honestly „mine”.

And I am happy. I feel a new type of happiness that only stems from the wisedom of knowing who you are and where you are going to. I’m not urging anything into my life, I’m merely expecting to be pleasantly surprised. Whenever and wherever it may happen…

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